As painful as infidelity can be, it can serve as an opportunity to work on and strengthen a relationship. Experts emphasize the importance of couples counseling and the support of loved ones when on the road to recovery from infidelity.
Hatfield (2003) provides the following nine steps for overcoming infidelity:
• In order to move on, the infidelity must end.
• Be ready for “ups and downs after infidelity.” It's normal to have rough patches.
• The partner who committed infidelity must open up and talk about the affair to their betrayed spouse.
• Though it may feel uncomfortable or unfair, the person who had committed infidelity must be totally accountable to their spouse, providing daily details on where they go, who they see, etc. —whatever it takes to rebuild trust.
• The partner who had an affair must be willing to renew his or her promise of faithfulness to their partner and provide genuine assurance that they will not commit infidelity again.
• The person who was betrayed must be given as much time as necessary to move on, even though the person who strayed may want to move on more quickly.
• The reasons and motivation behind the infidelity must be determined and used to create a plan for preventing infidelity in the future.
• Both people in the marriage must make a commitment to rebuilding their relationship. Even the betrayed partner must consider how they may have contributed to their partner's infidelity.
• Try couples counseling or marriage education classes that address infidelity.
Of course, not all marriages survive infidelity. If therapy and efforts to reconnect and forgive fail, the best decision may be to end the marriage. Lusterman (1998) points out that it is healthy to end a marriage affected by infidelity when, having given it the deepest effort possible, it becomes clear that the relationship is can not work.
Those who leave a marriage in order to pursue a relationship rooted in infidelity will most often be disappointed. Lusterman explains that while affairs may feel like they are based on intensely powerful and real connections, such relationships are shielded from life's realities such that one's perceptions of the relationship and their partner in infidelity are distorted and unrealistic. Once the relationship is grounded in everyday life, the excitement of the relationship and idealized image of the partner quickly disappear.